Today Ryan was evaluated at a speech and language center. It was officially determined, again, that he is behind in his expressive language and is being recommended for group speech therapy three times a week for two hours each time. The news, though expected, has hit hard. Once paperwork has been completed, he will probably start a program in about three to four weeks.
It is challenging to find the right words to express the mix of emotions. I can tell that I don't need others giving me advise on how to get him to talk. I can tell that I'm very sensitive about the choice of words people use to discuss his speech with me. My mum, articulately choose "backwards" and it took all my will to calmly tell her that I thought "backwards probably wasn't the best choice". I can tell that it gets under my skin when people try to prompt or "trick" him into talking. I know they mean well but come on people if he's not talking, he's not talking. He's not going to start producing words because you've asked him to do so.
Ugh. Such a ugly place to be. The necessity to sit and be polite to well meaning comments and deflect the negativism -- all while you're trying to prevent your own little brewing pot of anxiety and fear from boiling over.
The program he will be invited to enroll in will basically take the form of a pre-school. The ratio will be one to three and a speech pathologist being the assigned "teacher". My impression is that group therapy will create a competitive, but hopefully still nurturing, environment where Ryan will be motivated to vocalize his wants, needs and desires. I'll have to wait and see to get a better idea of how this whole thing is going to pan out -- first there is yet more paperwork and a hearing test to be done.
I think I'm going to find this whole transition of group speech therapy very difficult both emotionally and physically. I am spent tonight. I'm tired and just plain old worn out with all the talk and the evaluations of my sweet, sweet little boy. I feel a little robbed of this precious time in his life. It's harder to enjoy the milestones as much for the worry that he's not on target or he should be doing this, saying that etc. I feel the pang of mummy guilt as much as I feel protective and defensive.
If I was to roll my 8-ball tonight I am sure it would tell me that I'll be playing "sleeping lions" when Ryan is in kindergarten. Until then, I have to ride this road I'm on. I hope it takes me to an open field of tall grass and buttercups and daffodils where we can run around and catch the butterflies.
I love you Rye-guy. More than words and tears can say.
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Oh, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had words to make it all better but I don't. All I can do is be here to support you and listen to you vent frustrations when you need to.
I really hope the schooling will help. You are a wonderful mummy, don't ever doubt it and do what feels right in your heart and not what everybody else is trying to tell you to do. You know Ryan better than anybody.
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