My son. I love him. I utterly adore him. He's sweet and lovable and loving. His name is Ryan. When he would roll around inside me I would rest my hands on my stomach and it felt like I was reaching inside and giving him a big heart full of love. Now, when I wrap my arms around him we are bonded in an intimate moment for two. I love him endlessly.
My son is my second born and is loved no less and no more than my first yet, I feel a great loss for him. While my daughter received undivided attention for the first three years of her life and was exposed to playgroups, music and the arts, leisurely walks around the neighborhood and to the park, my son has been shunted from one errand to another. In fact, I believe his very first trip out from the house after arriving home from the hospital was a trip to the store to pick up a chest of draws for his bedroom, his second trip was Maggie's first day at pre-school. Things haven't changed much for him since then.
The closest exposure Ryan has had to playgroups is with the siblings of Maggie's classmates from her gymnastics class. As the older siblings work on their gymnastics skills I am usually found pacing the corridor with Ryan -- trying to appease him in his tired state, feeding him a cracker or a bite of an apple. His music exposure has been the children's CD collection in the car, my singing (which leaves a lot to be desired), and an occasional mad half hour in the afternoon of banging on pots and pans and battered old toy instruments. His leisurely walks are, more often than not, limited to the distance between the front door and car door and his trips to the park are a rare occurrence and always accompanied by Maggie who has her very own and very clear agenda that we often need compromise on.
I hope that I learn his exposure, though different from Maggie's, isn't any less than what she had. I hope that when Ryan is older he will understand that although things aren't always equal, they are often the same. I hope that he understands the gift of giving and the lesson of waiting for his turn without harboring resentment. I hope that despite it all, he knows he is loved no less and no more than his sister.
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4 comments:
Hey there - wandered over her after you replied to a random comment on a friend's blog.
In my expereince, that 'second child' guilt never really goes away. It hasn't for me, anyways - the boys are 13 and 10 now and i always feel like the 10yo gets the poopy end of the stick. However, the love that I give each of our kids, though different, is no less pure and meaningful, and it is the 'norm' they grow up with. I try and make a point of going on dates with each of my kids by themselves, even just for a donut, because not only do you not have the same undivided attention to give Baby #2 (or 3 or 4) but Baby#1 loses out, too. That's the payoff for growing up with siblings, and I personally wouldn't trade my big sister for all the donut-dates in the world.
ticblog --
what a great point to remember when the guilt seeps in. i doubt my two with trade a donut-date for each other. i never thought of that perspective before.
thanks for stopping by.
ps i sneeked a peak at your blogs -- i dare say i'll be stopping by again :-)
My parents commented on this. They felt sorry for Grace b/c she's the youngest and will receive the least amount of time with them compared to me or Chris. On the other hand, you physically spend more time with Ryan. You have a closeness now that'll soon be gone when he gets bigger. Enjoy the moment while you have it.
And we'll schedule a play date w/ the twins while Mags is at school.
Oh, the life of a second born. :) Trust me, as one myself, the only time it feels "neglecty" (and that's stretching it) is when you're 28 and looking throughout photo albums trying to find one of you that doesn't have your hoggish older brother's face (elbow, hair, leg or something or other) in it as well. :) Despite being a second born, I was also the girl- and there wasn't another one of those around, and it was quite lucky for me. The same will go for both Maggie and Ryan, each will have similar and yet incredibly different memories of their childhood, and neither one will think they are missing out on anything. I think you're a fab mummy and your kids are very very lucky to have you. I agree with Lisa, while Ryan may be shuttled around with Maggie and playdaters, he has his very own special time with mummy.
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