Ten Years Ago

Ten years ago, about this time I was flying somewhere above the Atlantic Ocean. Ten years ago today I was migrating from my beloved England to America. Wedding dress over my arm and a trolley of four suitcases I was met by my future husband. I was hot, tired and sweaty. Nervous and bewildered. I wouldn't call it romantic. But it was significant.

One would think ten years would be a grand affair. Not so. But it is okay. It is these times where I take a little solitude and give thanks for all that I have. Life can change on a dime and so far, I have been blessed.

Helpful Hands

Have to give a mention to my mother and father in-law who have been an amazing source of support and help these last couple of months. Between a painted bathroom, a loan of their carpet shampooer (is that such a word), washing down the back deck for the party and an inordinate amount of time looking after my children while I was tending to the needs of my husband I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

I am also, so glad that my children have the beautiful relationship with my in-laws that they do. I am sure will be treasured in their adult years. To some it might be hard to comprehend the depth of my gratitude for the relationship I have with them and the relationship my children have given that I am so far away from my parents, sibling and extended family -- I miss my parents very much and grieve the for the time I cannot share with them. Phone calls, emails and photo are no compensation for the intimacy which comes from the physical time spent but to withhold affection from my in-laws would be robbing my children, and myself, from the love and security which builds trust, confidence and self-esteem.

My family-in-laws do not knock on my door unexpectedly, they rarely initiate a visit or two that is outside the boundaries of birthdays, holidays and anniversaries but, they are always here to support in times of need and are aways willing to share in some fun family time with the children whenever invited. It is the perfect balance.

One Organ Hubby Can Do Without

Maggie spent her actual birthday with Grandma J while the hubby and I spent it watching the paint dry at the E.R.

In a nutshell Eric has been feeling ill on and off for a good while (days, weeks, months) with complaints of a stomach upset and sore back. Early Monday morning I took him to E.R. . They ran test after test and finally admitted him for observations which eventually lead to him having his gallbladder removed. Poor guy was in a lot of pain but true to his form remained sweet and loving, even under the heavy dose of knock-you-out drugs. Thankfully, he is doing a lot better post op and should be coming home today or tomorrow.

We plan on celebrating his health and Maggie's birthday with a trip to the museum and a meal out when he's fully recovered.

The Birthday Party and the Birthday Cake

The Birthday Party was great. Worth all the sweat and stress. I'll even go as far as to say it was the best yet. Maggie had a blast, which is the main thing and despite a couple of melt downs from a couple of her party guests, I think everyone else had a good time too. The party took on a dinosaur theme, we had a t-rex pinata, a plaster brick with genuine fossils and shells to dig out so the kids could feel like paleontologists for as long as their patients could master, a beading activity where the little ones could make their loved ones a necklace of beads, pin the horn on the triceratops and thanks to a gift from her auntie Lisa and uncle Mike last year we also had a dinosaur stamp making card activity for the artistically minded tots.

It was a great party, and perfectly right for our little family and circle of friends. Asides from seeing the birthday girl running around giddy with excitement, it was also great to see my family, friends and neighbors come together to celebrate another year of my five year old. As people were saying their goodbyes I noticed hugs and farewells were happening between people that only know each other through my stories and the annual gatherings of family birthday parties, "Great to see you again...look forward to seeing you again next year" -- word which were music to my ears. I'm not much of a party planner and I get stressed and anxious at the mere thought of entertaining anyone at my house (even a playdate) but I do love it when the people who I know and love find something in common with each and build a relationship of their own.

Now, just because I want to, I'm listing some of the things which were on my to do list to get ready for the party. Not trying for any sympathy vote or award here -- its just my chance to sit back and look at how much I got done. Here goes -: Wash carpets in hallway and three bedrooms (I did this three times), wash hardwood floor, clean bathroom(s) and the kitchen, clean fridge -- really clean fridge (people might look in there), clean sheets on all beds (little children might get hurt/sick and need to lay down for a little), clean bookcase (people might want to pick up a book or something and it was way too dusty and disorganized to leave it as it was), clean paw prints off windows, clean blinds, clean car out (I might have to race someone to the ER), clean out toys and clothes (make room for new toys & clothes), clean back porch and patio seating, sort night-mail (ended up bagging some, okay most of it, and building a little fortress in hall closet)... send evites/emails with party details, buy party games, balloons, order food, prep food, set the stage for party with games, flowers & decorations etc buy and bag party favors, inspire and motivate father extraordinaire to bake and make a dinosaur cake the night before.

I pretty much achieved everything on my to-do list plus some and dear hubby woke before the crack of dawn and put together this master piece -- isn't it fantastic!?! It earned him the privilege of bedtime stories two nights in a row, "... because I love him and he made a dinosaur cake..."

Before I sign off, I want to make a quick shout out too my husband's family who really feel my heart with joy. I am so glad my children get to grow up with you. I also want to give a mention to my parents who I miss daily, especially on occasions like birthdays and anniversaries. I love you whole heartedly and wish we could bring our worlds closer together. And lastly, to the family who could not make it -- we love you too and made sure to have a piece of this yummy cake in your honour :-)

The Night Before

No matter what my best intentions are, I always end up staying up late and stressing out the night before my child has a birthday party. No matter what the best intentions are, my husband crashes before I do and spends the following morning making the birthday cake as I flap around him getting increasingly stressed. People arrive, family dive in to help with the last minute madness, a good friend arrives and gives me the look which tells me she understands without me uttering a word. The children and their parents arrive and my world starts to spin on its head and then, finally, I relax. In time to watch my child blow out the candles on her birthday cake. I watch with every ounce of my being. My eyes are on nothing but my child and I wish time could stand still for just five minutes so I could absorb every details. I wipe away my tears and move in for a smooch.

As of this evening I have a bathroom floor to clean, a sofa and floor full of clutter that needs to be hidden away in some form of collective order, kitchen counters to be wiped down and gifts to wrap.

I look forward to the day after tomorrow when I can sit back and say it went well and that it was all worth it.

Money, money, money.

In light of a recent family budget assessment, we have realized that we need to cut back on some of our expenses. Money worries always make me anxious as they do most people. We are fortunate that we have many of life's luxuries but the cutting back is still an adjustment. I cancelled the gardener this week, we are stopping our netflix subscription and internet phone. My usual rule of thumb of ordering dinner in once a week and lunch out once will no longer be so. My daughter's birthday party this Saturday will be a low key affair and I am so relieved that all she has really asked for is a dinosaur pinata and not a bouncy castle or a pony. We have plans to sell some old gear and my husband has committed to selling some of his -- something we have both been intending to do for some time. To many, I must sound like a spoilt brat and the truth of the matter is I have been spoiled. Now it's time to reel in and tie those purse strings and budget, budget, budget.

When I wish for more than I have, a part of human nature I think, I recall this video and remember again just how lucky I am.

The Place I Am

I know I am at a place, a place I cannot define in words but a place that has a new beginning.

I have felt a whole manner of emotions these past few weeks. I have been heartened by the stories of complete strangers, I've had my heart bruised by those closer to me. The sense of change makes me feel helpless, uneasy and anxious but the love and empathy I feel helps me feel strong and fortunate. It is a peculiar dichotomy.

I am trying to remember that my perception can change with just the smallest flicker of sunlight. I am trying to see the good that I am through the self doubt that lingers -- without losing the lesson that can be learned through my mistakes.

Motherhood can have a harsh and arid environment at times. I can trip over myself with worry and wrought. And then I open my eyes, my ears, my mind and I feel overwhelmed with joy.