The Place I Am

I know I am at a place, a place I cannot define in words but a place that has a new beginning.

I have felt a whole manner of emotions these past few weeks. I have been heartened by the stories of complete strangers, I've had my heart bruised by those closer to me. The sense of change makes me feel helpless, uneasy and anxious but the love and empathy I feel helps me feel strong and fortunate. It is a peculiar dichotomy.

I am trying to remember that my perception can change with just the smallest flicker of sunlight. I am trying to see the good that I am through the self doubt that lingers -- without losing the lesson that can be learned through my mistakes.

Motherhood can have a harsh and arid environment at times. I can trip over myself with worry and wrought. And then I open my eyes, my ears, my mind and I feel overwhelmed with joy.

Please Give This Lady Some Blog Love

Ticblog design has a big heart and a big favor. Please go to her blog and push your palms together.

Reader and CCC Headshots

Through adding my favorite blogs to google reader (big shout out to you Tonya for suggesting I do this) I found a new blog to fall in love with, Classy Chaos. It was a blog recommended to me based on my subscriptions (I think) and after reading her most recent entry I knew I would have to subscribe. In one post she talks about her passion for photography and capturing the moments that speak to her, moments she connects with. She then challenged her readers to think outside the box in snapping head shots of their children.

Low and behold, her readers took up the challenge and my are there some beautiful photos. I urge anyone to head over to her blog and subscribe for a dose of inspiration and a looksee at how other parents capture "those moments" .

Here's an example of my two favorites taken this summer. I took the one of my daughter and hubby took the one of my son when I was holding him. Both pictures are deeply personal and I feel very connected to them in a way that time cannot take away from me and I'm happy to share them with others.

Tired and Cranky Me

Though there have been a few great potential posts lately I have not been up to getting them out there in blogosphere. I'm tired and cranky -- and hormonal and totally not myself. I think the cold turkey approach to weaning my son is kicking me in the butt with a hormonal upsurge of estrogen or whatever it is. I'm feeling blah and any gifted quiet moment has been wasted away into nothing but worry, anxiety and a mixed bag of negative thoughts; that is until I realize what it is I'm doing and yank myself back into reality.

I can, fortunately, always rely on my children to keep me moving when I least feel like it. Maggie has been enjoying a summer class at the local nature center and starts of her day saying, "What am I going to learn in class today mummy?" And Ryan has been really shinning from the inside out. So lovely.

Meanwhile, trusted friends, family and hubby are bearing the brunt of my psychotic state. Thanks guys. I love you.

ps Is anyone else addicted to Hell's Kitchen like me? I'm totally hooked. Who will be the last man standing?

Tag from Cat

I have been honored with a tag by Cat, a new blogging friend -- mother to a beautiful girl about my daughter's age, and two adorable and fast growing twin boys. Somehow she manages to also be an architect, wife and fabulous mother, hence her blog name "juggeling act of life". She lives miles and miles away from here in sunny California. South Africa would be her home which makes her doubly interesting to me -- I've had a dream to visit South Africa for a long time. My response is posted below and I invite anyone to play along too, just leave a comment for me so I know to look you up. But, but, but know I have broken one teeny tiny rule. I am not tagging anyone :-( Sorry Cat. I am not tagging because I have just recently put others under the tag spell and feel the need to give them a break for good behavior :-) Anyway, I hope you enjoy learning a little more about me.

The rules:Each player answers the questions about themselves.At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.



What was I doing ten years ago?
Condensing my life into four small suitcases for the move from England to California and planning my wedding, having a series of medical exams and interviews for fiancee visa, saying a tearful goodbye to family friends and beloved London.

What are five (non-work) things on my to-do list for today?

1) Refrain from nursing Ryan and make yummy oatmeal breakfast for him.

2) Pack diaper bag and some goodies for a picnic on the grass.

3) Take kids to Page Museum.

4) Take kids to Farmers Market on 3rd Street; pick up cherry pitter and treat Maggie @ Farmers Market.

5) Clean kitchen sink and contents -- and order dinner in.

Five snacks I enjoy
Crisps (potato chips), especially walkers (click on flavors and wait for it to load to see the huge variety of flavors, roastd chicken is one of the many favorites of mine)
Chocolate, especially lidnt's
Fresh baked cookies
Toasted bagel with cream cheese and avocado (though that's probably someone's breakfast)
Hummus with toasted flatbread

Things I would do if I were a billionaire

• Pay outstanding bills and credit.
• Buy property; new and improved home in California, a 2nd home out here for visitors, a 3rd home in England (Cambridge or Oxford I think), and a beautiful boat for the men in my family to enjoy.
• Buy plane tickets for in-law family to visit England -- they can stay in our 3rd home
• Travel; Australia and South Africa will definitely be one the list, Hawaii too, Europe -- Italy, Austria, Prague, South of France, Amsterdam, Belgium, London is a given, Scotland, Ireland and Wales.. ugh the list is endless.
• Invest and use profit to donate to charity through the year and upon death; charities serving the impoverished, sick children and terminal illness such as HIV and cancer.

Places I’ve lived:
London, Peterborough, West Los Angeles, Houston, Boston, Long Beach

Jobs I’ve had: (included voluntary to make it more interesting)
Newspaper girl delivering free papers
School Librarian
High-School Bank Manager and clerk (And yes I was kinda nerdy back then, in a very cute way)
Companion to person in need (might sound insignificant, but I gained a lot from experience)
Sales girl at high-street fashion store (you wouldn't know it to look at my wardrobe today)
Senior sales clerk at newsagents/bookstore (great discounts)
Various jobs in the travel industry ranging from entry to supervisory in the U.K. and the U.S.
Full-time student (and yes, I do consider this a job)
Full-time mother, part-time student
Stay at home mother (best job I've ever had)

Maggie has a "mating" song

Yes, you read that right. Maggie has a mating song. When she was in the bathtub tonight she said, "Mummy! Watch me. This is my mating song." She then bent her body down towards the water and blew bubbles with a little sing-song sound. I watched and asked, "Maggie what is a mating song?"
"Its when you want to mate with someone." she replied.
"Really?" I say. "What does mating mean?"
"It means you want to be friends with someone." she said.

Tell me, do you think she's been watching too many nature shows?

Weaning

I'm weaning my son from my boobs. He is twenty-one months old, three weeks and two days old. I'm writing it here to force me to commit. I am ready to wean him, I have been for a long time. I just find it emotionally hard to to do but it is time.

My last feeding was about 5:30 this morning when he woke unusually early in the morning. He was guzzling it down and was getting a lot from it; comfort and nutrition. And I admit, it was a lovely for me too. But, when he paws at my breast in public and can only be soothed by suckling at my breast when he is feeling insecure or tired my thoughts turn to weaning him.

As much an advocate I am of breast feeding, I also feel it is important for a mother to take charge when she feels it is no longer working in the best interests of her or her child. I feel this way whether the mother has been breast feeding for nothing but a couple of weeks or well into and past the second year like myself. I am in that place, the place where it is time to stop and encourage my son to find new ways of comforting himself. I think it will be a very good thing for us both; but it doesn't make it easy.

I have just put him down for a nap and did not allow him to feed. I held him close and whispered soft words in his ears. It wasn't long before the crying stopped and he had fallen asleep in my arms. It was lovely to feel his body fall limp and his soft skin brush against mine. I layed him down in his crib and he didn't stir or even flinch.

update: (12th June) Day two of weaning, and it was a breeze. He's been great and I think he understands. Very excited and feeling good about making this choice. Fingers crossed for tomorrow (we'll be out and about for most of the day).